I love puns and one liners. I love blurting them out...regardless of  those in hearing range around me want to hear them or not.  I think having an appreciation for one liners and puns is a sign of an intelligent mind...don't you agree?
Here are a some puns I find funny and a few one liners to brighten your weekend or make you groan. 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How does Moses make his tea? 
Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? 
Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. 
Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, 
but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes 
give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, 
but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, 
but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? 
A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. 
As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes!
The older you get the better you get...unless you are a banana. 
Be kind to your dentist...he has fillings too. 

Answer: Blood Sweat and Tears.
 Question: name the three most unpopular flavors at Baskin-Robbins. 

Sign in front of a golf shop:  WE HAVE GOLF BALLS THE SIZE OF HAIL!!

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. 

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.”
-A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”
-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
  
First snake asks a second snake "Are we poisonous? " Second snake asks "why?"
First snake says "I just bit my lip".

When I met Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was Always. 
I broke my leg in two places. My doctor told me to quit going to those places. 
Imagine that there is no such thing as a hypothetical situation. 
A cynical man is one who when he smells flowers, starts looking for the coffin. 
If God had meant us to run around naked, He would have made our skin fit better. 

And last:
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either!

Derrick.